• When the rooster saw all the colored Easter eggs, he got jealous and killed the peacock.
• ___
• Martha Stewart has a new recipe for tuna casserole that serves 6-8.
• ___
• They gave Kobe Bryant a vocabulary test and he thinks harass is two words.
• ___
• What does Michael Jackson like about twenty eight year olds?
  
• There are twenty of them.
• ___
• "These turkeys in your frozen food section seem so small. Do they get any bigger?"
  
• "No ma'am, they're dead."
• ___
• What happens if you play blues music backwards?
  
• Your wife comes back and treats you okay and you don't wake up in the morning.
• ___
• Why did the banker loose his wife?
• he lost interest
• ___
• What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?
• hop in
• ___
• What do you call a dog with no legs?
• don't matter, he's not going anywhere
• ___
• Sex on tv cant hurt you...
• unless you fall off
• ___
• What do you call a man with ear plugs and a helmet and a hood on?
• any thing you like.
• ___
• Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
• ___
• Two cannibals are eating a clown and one says to the other,
• "does this taste funny to
• you?"
• ___
• WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CANT SHOOT THEM???
• ___
• Whats brown and sticky?
• A stick, -courtesy of Sam Atwood.
• ___
• Why did the chicken cross the road?
• Who cares?
• ___
• Whats black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white?
• A nun falling down some stairs.
• ___
• Why did the man take a pencil to bed?
• To draw the curtains...Id tell a joke about a pencil, but It wouldnt have a point.
• 
  

YO MAMA
Dirty yo mama jokes

• Yo mama is so FAT She gos to the gap and fills it
• ___
• Yo mama is so FAT Her belly button has an echo
• ___
• Yo mama is so FAT You have to take a train and two busses to get on her good side
• ___
• Yo mama so POOR... She drops a wash cloth: wall to wall carpeting
• ___
• Yo mama so OLD They told her to act her age, so she died
• ___
• Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions!
• ___
• Yo momma so fat her nickname is "DAMN"
• ___
• Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
• ___
• Yo momma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
• ___
• Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.
• ___
• Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
• ___
• Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family!
• ___
• Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
• ___
• Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
• ___
• Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
• ___
• Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
• ___
• Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
• ___
• Yo momma so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.
• ___
• Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
• ___
• Yo momma like a doorknob - everyone gets a turn!
• ___
• Yo momma like the railway system, she gets laid all over the country!
• ___
• Yo momma house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza.

BAD jokes...boooooooooooooooooo
 

• A mushroom walks into a bar,
• and the bar tender yells "GET
• OUT, NO MUSHROOMS" so
• the mushroom says: "comon
• im a fun guy"
• ___
• This duck walks into a drug
• store and says "gimmie some
• chap stick and put it on my
• bill"
• ___
• A man entered a pun contest. he
• sent in ten puns in hopes that
• at least one of them would
• win. unfortunately, no pun in
• ten did.
• ___
• A judge says to his dentist.
• "pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth"
• ___
• The calenders days are numberd.
• ___
• Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
• They all have phones.
• ___
• Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
• He had no body to go with.
• ___
• What's red and smells like blue paint?
• Red paint.
• ___
• I asked for a pitcher full of beer....
• So he brought me a drunk baseball player.
• ___
• News from the Unicycle Wheel Manufacturers Association is that they've appointed a new spokes-person.
• ___
• You can tune a piano, but how do you tuna fish?
• ___
• What do you call a person who just downloaded 1,000 puns from the Internet?
• Well e-quipped.
• ___
• The racing driver's wheel failed during the race, so he had to retire.
• ___
• One frog croaks to the other, "Time’s fun when you’re having flies!"
• ___
• A small shrub clinging to the walls of the Grand Canyon is a Gorge Bush.
• ___

Lawyer jokes
 

• What have you got when you
• have 6 lawyers buried up to there necks in sand?
• Not enough sand.
• ___
• Why does New jersey have
• so much trash and Washington D.C. have so many lawyers?
• New jersey got first pick.
• ___
• Why don’t sharks eat lawyers?
• Professional courtesy.
• ___
• How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
• Depends on how thin you slice them.
• ___
• Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
• To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
• ___
• What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
• Retired.
• ___
• What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?
• Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
• _____
• What can a goose do, that a duck can’t, that a lawyer should?
• Stick their bill up their ass.
• ___
• What’s 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?
•  A tie on an attorney!
• ___
• Whats the difference between a blonde and a lawyer?
• A blonde stops screwing you when you die.
• ___
• How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
• Shoot him before he hits that water.
• ___
• How do you know if a lawyer is lying?
• If his lips are moving.
• ___
• What do you call 50 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
• A good start
• ___
• What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
• One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is a fish.
• ___
• How many lawyers do you need to paint the Great Wall of China red?
• It depends on how hard you throw them...
• ___
• What does a lawyer use for birth control?
• His Personality.
• ___
• What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?
• Chelsea Clinton.

Lightbulb Jokes

• How many shrinks does it take to change a lightbulb?
• Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.
• ___
• How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
• 16. 1 to change it and 15 to form a support group.
• ___
• How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb.
• Six.
• Why?
• IT JUST DOES OK!?
• ___
• How many boring people does it take to change a light bulb?
• One.
• ___
• How many real men does it take to change a light bulb?
• None, real men aren’t afraid of the dark.
• ___
• How many IRS agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
• Only one, but it gets really screwed.
• ___
• How many Pro-lifers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• Six. Two to screw it, and four to says that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
• ___
• Hmmmm.
• ___
• How many surrealist does it take to change a lightbulb?
• To get to the other side.
• ___
•  How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• It doesnt matter, it wont work.
• ___
• How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.
• ___
• 
  

• Why do blonds like BMWs?
• Cause they can spell it.
• ___
•  How do you make a blonds eyes light up?
• Stick a flashlight in her ear.
• ___
• Why don’t blondes make jello?
• They cant figure out how to get 2 cups of water into those little bags.
• ___
• Why cant blonds Dial 9-1-1?
• They cant find the eleven.
• ___
• Why don’t blondes like making chocolate chip cookies?
• It takes to long to peel them M&Ms.
• ___
• How do you know when a blond has been using your computer?
• There are eraser marks on you screen.
• ___
• Whats the differnce between a blond and a 747?
• Not everybodys been in a 747.
• ___
• How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below)
• How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)
• ___
• Why are all blond jokes so short?
• So that Iowans can remember them.
• ___
• If a Palestinian and a Iowan got married what would they name there child?
• Yasir Yabetcha.
• ___
• Where are the trees in Iowa?
• Between da twos and da fours.
• ___
• What’s a 7 course meal in Iowa?
• A hamburger and a six-pack.
• ___
• A train leaves Chicago at 1:15, a train leaves New York a 3:20, a train leaves Iowa when the big hand is on the nine, and the little hand is on the one.

• Why do elephants paint there feet yellow?
• So they can hide upside down in your custard.
• "I have never seen an elephant in my custard!"
• "Then it works"
• ___
• Why do elephants have flat feet?
• From jumping out of trees.
• ___
• Why cant two elephants swim together?
• they only have one pair of trunks
• ___
• "How big is an elephant?"
• "What kind of elephant?"
• "A big one."
• "How big?"
• ___
• How do you get four elephants into a VW bug?
• two in the front, two in the back.
• ___
• How do you get a rino into a VW bug?
• remove an elephant.
• ___
• What do elephants play In VW bugs?
• Squash.
• ___
• Did you hear about the elephant that got drunk?
• He kept seeing pink people.
• ___
• How do you get down off an elephant?
• You dont. you get down off a duck.
• ___
• Why cant an elephant ride a bike?
• He doesnt have a thumb to ring the bell.
• ___
• Why is a elephant big grey and wrinkled?
• Becuase if he was small white and smooth, he would be an asprin.
• ___
• How do you stop a elephant from going through the eye of a needle?
• Tie a knot in his tail.
• ___
• How do you know if there is a elephant hiding under your bed?
• They always giggle...
• ___
• Whats the difference between a Elephant and a plum?
• A elephant is grey.
• ___
• What does tarzan say when he sees a heard of elephants in the distance?
• "Look, a heard of elephants in the distance"
• ___
• What does jane say when she see a heard of elephants in the distance?
• "Look a heard of plums in the distance!" (Jane is color blind)
• ___
• How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
• Open door
• Insert Elephant
• Close door.
• ___
• How do you know when there are to elephants in the fridge?
• The door wont close.
• ___
• How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
• Put a slice of bread on each side and call him lunch.
• ___
• How do you shoot a pink elephant?
• With a pink elephant gun of course.
• ___
• How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
• Thats rediculas, theres no such thing as a yellow elephant.
• ___
• Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
• Because it was dead
• ___
• Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
• Becuase it was glued to the first elephant.
• ___
• Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
• It thought it was a game.
• ___
• Why did the tree fall down?
• It thought it as an elephant.
• ___
• Why do elephants where green hats?
• So they can sneak across the pool table without being seen.
• ___
• How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
• Dont be silly, elephants cant change lightbulbs.
• ___
• How do you make a dead elephant float?
• One scoop ice cream, Two scoops dead elephant.
• ___
• What does it mean when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink shirts?
• There all on the same team.
• ___
• Whats grey and puts out forest fires?
• Smokey the elephant.

Knock knock Jokes

• KNOCK KNOCK
• Whos there?
• Europe
• Europe who?
• Im not a poo! your a poo!
• ___
• Whos there?
• Repeat.
• Repeat who?
• Ok, who who who who who who.
• ___
• Who's there?
  
• Did you ever hear the joke about the broken pencil?
  
• Did you ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who?
  
• Never mind, it's pointless.
• ___
  
• Knock knock.
  
• Who's there?
  
• Control freak. Now you say, control freak who?
  
• ___
• Whos there?
• Censure.
• Censure who?
• Censure so smart you do my homework.
• ___
• Whos there?
• Granny. Knock knock
• Whos there?
• Granny. knock knock
• Whos there??
• Granny. Knock knock
• Whos there?
• Aunt.
• Aunt who?
• Aunt you glad I didnt say granny?
• ___
• Whos there?
• Atch
• Atch who?
• GodBless you!
• ___
• Whos there?
• Centipied?
• Centipied who?
• Centipied on the Crismas tree.
• ___
• Whos there?
• Andy.
• Andy who?
• Andy bit me.
• ___
• Whos there?
• Andy.
• Andy who?
• Andy bit me again?
• ___
• Whos there?
• Despair.
• Despair who?
• Despair tire is flat.
• ___
• Whos there?
• Haircomb.
• Haircomb who?
• Haircomb the bride, all dressed in white
• ___
• Whos there?
• Mr. Walter.
• Mr. Walter who?
• You dont Mr. Walter til the well runs dry.
• ___
• Whos there?
• Carl.
• Carl who?
• Carl get you there faster then walking.
• ___
• Whos there?
• Fornication.
• Fornication who?
• Fornication like this you should wear a black tie.
• ___
• Whos there?
• Justin.
• Justin who?
• Justin time for super.
• ___
• Whos there?
• Diploma.
• Diploma who?
• Diploma is here to fix the sink.
• ___
• Whos there?
• Dewey.
• Dewey who?
• Dewey have to do these joke all night?
• ___
• Whos there?
• ZE GERMAN BORDER PATROL!
• The german border patrol who?
• DONT ASK QVUESTIONS!
• ___
• Whos there?
• Sual.
• Sual who?
• Sual there is, aint no more.

Jewish Jokes
 
 

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My favorite T shirt.